Linda Hawes Clever, MD, MACP
Countless generations ago, indigenous people in the Pacific Northwest and around the world developed talking sticks. They have polished and used them ever since. The carvings, shells, feathers, and beads convey meaning as the small totems are passed from person to person. The one who holds the stick may be the leader or may simply be the speaker. Traditions assure an opportunity for a person to transmit a message, which, in turn, is received with respect. Talking sticks may be used during negotiations, rites of passage, storytelling times, and conversations. They encourage engagement, for, by being passed around the group, the talking stick connects people. A talking stick has a certain magic.
I have been in groups that have used a talking stick metaphor. You probably have, too. The practice can be especially useful to assure fair opportunities and active participation. It also encourages the shy or cools hot tempers.
Talking sticks have limits, however. Words represent only a tiny fraction of oral communication. In a discussion, tone of voice provides much more meaning and body language even moreso. So the point of a talking stick (the pun surprised me too) is careful listening – listening coupled with looking.
Perhaps the magic is in an unseen “listening bowl” that receives the output of the talking stick.
Consider a “listening bowl” as a partner to a “talking stick.” A bowl is open yet solid. It not only receives, it carries. If the person who listens were a bowl, the person would stretch wide and be welcoming. Furthermore, once the bowl became a container, it could move – transmit – the message.
Other characteristics of a careful listener are, actually, more human than bowl-like. Careful listeners pay attention. They think and look. They engage with the goal of understanding. They seek clarification and provide feedback. They take and give. They notice what is happening in the vicinity. They watch the rest of the group and the speaker to see who is leaning in or leaning out. They wait without forming judgments because the current speaker or the next one could make salient comments.
Consider this: Listening carries greater power than a talking stick. Listening brings focus. It can calm and slow us down so we can absorb the message. It can penetrate to our hearts. Careful listening puts us in a place in which we can appreciate another person, each other, the group; and ourselves. We can build and restore community and effectiveness.
Talking is an essential part of communication. Listening makes all the difference.
Linda Hawes Clever, MD, MACP
is founder and President of RENEW, a not-for-profit aimed at helping devoted people maintain (and regain) their enthusiasm, effectiveness and purpose. She received undergraduate and medical degrees from Stanford University and had residency and fellowship training at Stanford and UCSF in internal medicine, infectious diseases, community medicine and occupational medicine. She is a member of the National Academy of Medicine and founding Chair of the Department of Occupational Health at California Pacific Medical Center. She was Editor of the Western Journal of Medicine and the first woman Governor of the American College of Physicians, chaired the Board of Governors and then served as Regent. She was a trustee of Stanford University for 14 years and chaired the Board of public broadcasting’s KQED. Dr. Clever is author of numerous papers and The Fatigue Prescription: Four Steps to Renewing Your Energy, Health and Life.
Dr. Clever likes walks, good conversations, and good cookies. Her husband Jamie was an internist, as is their daughter Sarah, who is on the faculty of the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine and also juggles fascinating teen twins.