By Dr. Vidhya Prakash
Talent. Goodness. Truth. During the 2023 AMWA annual meeting, I was sitting in a room surrounded by fellow AMWA members, eager to learn more about narrative medicine from Drs. Marion McCrary, Fariha Shafi, and Riddhi Shah. The idea of an hour of protected time to do what I love most, which is to write, made me giddy. My pen poised and ready to go, I was taken aback by the first task: write a letter to your younger self. I couldn’t help but bristle at the request. The exercise required me to tap into the deep crevices of my brain where painful memories from my professional career were locked in a vault, shuttered away in darkness. I hid the key carefully in a place that I swore I would remember, yet somehow always seemed to forget. And now, I was asked to find the elusive key, thoughts of which led me to bow my head and rest my pen on the desk. I didn’t want to write. I couldn’t. My head swirled with a litany of words. Disappointment. Disregard. Abuse. Rejection. Fear. And then, I breathed deeply and practiced a mindfulness exercise. Sensing a warmth in my fingertips, the feeling of my feet planted on the floor, and the sound of pens rustling on the glossy AMWA programs, I was in the present. New words manifested. Nurture. Champion. Love. Revive. Hope. My ballpoint pen glinted at me in the light and seemed to wink, beckoning for me to pick it up. It was a new kind of key, it seemed to say, a portal for unlocking while protecting, giving me space to reflect and heal. And then, I began to write. A short but heartfelt note to my younger self about the distress humanity would bring, balanced by its ability to restore and renew. I was thankful for both, as it was this very balance that brought me to where I was at that moment: a fulfilled and thriving professional who was giving back to her community and mentoring the next generation of leaders. An interesting inflection point came with another prompt from our breakout session leaders: list actions taken or not taken due to self-doubt. What negative thought is the loudest? What are the feelings invoked? What are three positive thoughts? Among the actions avoided were writing another book, my first being my memoir, Learning to Listen. Rejection was the loudest word when thinking about that action, with associated feelings of shame. I ended with my three positive thoughts: talent, goodness, truth. Over the next several weeks, those three words lingered in my brain for far longer than I expected. I was in the midst of adding to a journal I had kept over the years about my experiences as a Chief Medical Officer (CMO)—a smattering of musings and literature references I had hoped one day to pass along to the next CMO. Talent. Goodness. Truth. As someone who struggles with the impostor phenomenon, I frequently doubt whether I have any true talent, chalking any success up to pure luck or simply working harder than everyone else. My trusted pen not only unlocked my vault of pain, but also my vaults of self-doubt and fear, helping me embrace the last two words I had written on my AMWA program: goodness and truth. It was then that I realized I had an opportunity to convert my journal into a book. The Leadership Learning Curve: A Woman Physician’s Journey as a Chief Medical Officer is a very honest take on leadership in academic medicine and the journey that is often filled with a sense of not belonging in leadership, of not being worthy of the role. My truth, spilled onto these pages without reservation, is a message for all budding leaders that you do belong, that you are worthy, and that your own vaults of pain, fear, and self-doubt can be unlocked and released, leaving room for your own positive thoughts. I am thankful to AMWA for always holding space for deeply impactful sessions like the one I attended. Life-changing. Inspiring. Grateful.
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